So far, this new year is not turning out so happy. It seems that this is not only happening to me. I know more than a few people who have had a crappy start to 2012. For me, it started with my Mom's car accident, and it continues, with my Mom's accident..... Then we had to say goodbye to our dog Fred. Fred has been with us for 14 years, and as I type this I realize why it has taken me this long to blog about it. It's been almost 4 weeks, and I can think about him without crying, but writing it down and really thinking about it, still, brings me to tears. He was old and tired, we have been through many trips to the vet where we thought it was his last, this time, we had to say goodbye. I feel like I have been in a fog these last few weeks. It's like those first few days when the kids are out of school for the summer, or when they go back after being out for the summer. It takes me a few days to get back into a routine. My life has not been altered in a physical sense by Fred's absence, but I do have that feeling of not knowing what to do with myself. I know all that is happening with my mother has something to do with it as well. Mom's at home now, my brother is there with her, I am not really affected by it in a physical sense. I'm not feeling sorry for myself, nor am I moping around depressed. I can't quite put my finger on it, I'm just going through the motions of the day. I really just want to slap myself out of it. Yesterday was the beginning of Lent, guess I just figured out what I need to focus on to get back to my old self. On that note.......
This blog is about Mary, so, how has Mary taken Fred's passing? Well, devastated, as we all were at first. Then she went to wanting another dog, as everyone, but myself is wanting. Mary was able to recognize that she had an emotion she has never had before, saying "I've never had this feeling before". Wonderful that she can recognize that in herself. This morning she woke up, saying, "I can still hear his collar making noise", as she has stated here and there over the last few weeks. Mary has a wonderful ability to get over things quickly and to forget easily. I don't think she will ever forget Fred, and that is something I don't ever want her to forget. None of us will.
2 comments:
Marianne, it was probably six months before I wouldn't cry at night after losing Meggie (who, as it turns out, looked exactly like a female version of Fred, which is why I was so attached to him too). Then the pig. i still cry about my pig. The animals love you unconditionally, and are an emotionally AND physical presence in your house like a person. It is OK to be out of whack. You just have to let yourself grieve. What is precious about Mary is that she just lets it all hang out. She doesn't hide anything.
I am so sorry about Fred, and on top of what's going on with your mom, this seems like it's been an incredibly dark year for you so far. I know what it's like to lose a pet you loved, and I remember being hysterical with grief and scaring my husband when my kitty was killed. It sounds like you just need to be good to yourself and give yourself time to heal right now. All these things are emotionally toppling, and it can be really hard to keep balanced when all this is going on. I will be thinking of you, and praying for you, and in fact, just said a little prayer for you before I typed this. Be well, my friend, and take it easy over there.
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