Insights....or Musings?

Every once in a while I have these lightening bolt kind of insights, or musings, I don't know what to call them, regarding how I think Mary's mind works. As usual,. I am always astonished, and amazed that I have figured out a part of her that cannot be explained any other way. So, let me entertain you with my thoughts, as my husband has a tendency towards eye rolling whenever I try to humor him with my Maryisms.

Mary is boy crazy, not just boy crazy, boy crazy.. I was listening to her go on and on about a boy down the street, (a teenager of course), and it dawned on me that there is not anything she is saying, or anything she does regarding boys, that all girls don't at some point have going through their heads. I could remember myself, thinking of a boy constantly, staring at him, at his house, wanting to get closer in some way, any way. Finding out everything there is to know about him, etc.. However, we at an early age, begin to realize that this is not acceptable behavior. It's something we want to keep secret. We don't want anyone else to know how deeply in love we are with this person. I think it's a way to keep them all to ourselves. Well, that part of Mary's brain does not make that connection. Mary lives it all out, for everyone to see. I often think that God gives me these little insights to make it easier for me to talk to and understand her better. Now, when I am trying to get her to stop obsessing, I give her the old, everybody feels this way, but it may make the boy uncomfortable, blah blah blah. I feel better anyway, and I can only hope she is understanding.

On that same boy down the street. David drives a Chevy Trailblazer, Mary wants a Chevy Trailblazer. Not only is she now obsessing over this vehicle, she can spot one a mile away. O.K., this part of her mind is a mystery. I guess we need to leave some things a mystery. Whenever we are in the car, no matter what she may be doing, Mary can spot a Trailblazer. I have been driving for many years, I don't think I could recognize the make and model of a car, even if it were to run me over. Really? I mean there are several trucks that to me, look like Trailblazers. I can understand when she sees the Chevy symbol on the front, but there are quite a few Chevy type trucks on the road. Believe me, I have purposely verified with my own eyes that she is correct. Mary is like that with music as well. If there is a song Mary likes, she automatically knows some of the words, or at least gets the harmony and beat down to a t.
Now I have tried to have her listen to musical learning CD's, like Schoolhouse Rock, but for some reason, it's not the same. I think because she knows it's something that is supposed to help her learn, she unconsciously blocks it out? I don't know. For now, I am happy with whatever little lightening bolts God sends my way.

Reflections & Rantings

As I promised in my last post, I still have some whining to do. First, I want to reflect on some things that happened this past week. Last Wednesday, Mary had her annual EEG. As I sat in that dark room once again, with my daughter falling asleep, and the strobe lights flashing, my mind was blank. I sat there thinking, "hey, I'm not thinking anything". So, I started to recall what I was thinking this time last year. I remember posting on this blog, the fact that I had accepted that things will be what they will be, no longer wishing for a different outcome. Acceptance, that Mary will be Mary, abnormal testing and all. This time, it was like sitting and waiting for her to finish a routine dental cleaning. No big deal. Of course, me being me, started to think, "is this a bad thing?". Have I given up, do I just not care anymore? No, I know, I am prone to stinkin thinkin and this is one more thought that needs to be pushed out of my head. I believe this is the beginning of me not seeing Mary as any different than I see my other children. I know I have acknowledged this before, but it is one thing to say it, and a completely other thing to not have it anywhere in the back of your mind.

Now for my whining. I have also spent the last few weeks, not wishing for things to be different with Mary, but just plain pissed off that some things are the way the are. All trivial little things. Like, let's start with, Why does she have to have such bad acne? Isn't it bad enough that she has a difficult time looking at people when she talks. This is something she has always had, even before the acne. I have tried everything short of medication, ( which I will not do at this time). I was hoping once the period came, the pimples would calm down. Don't even get me started on her period! Really, why? What's with the boy craziness, and obsessing over them? I understand the OCD, it's part of her, but really? Can't we obsess over things like needing things to be neat and orderly, or hand washing? Mary used to spend all her time at home in her room, reading, or playing. Now, all she does is go outside and stand in the drive way, waiting for someone to come by and hang out with her. That's fine, but when there is no one there, she talks to herself. I sometimes go outside and stand behind her and just watch and listen. My first reaction is to pull her in the house and say, "stop!" "Do you know how crazy you look"! I would never. When she notices me, I ask her who she's talking to, and she very calmly says, no one, or myself. So clearly, she knows what she's doing which means she's not crazy. I will worry when she starts seeing people who aren't there. Oh, I could go on, but will stop here. For all my whining, I have just as many joys, and breakthroughs to rejoice over. However, this post is about reflecting and ranting. Stay tuned for my next post, hopefully something with rejoicing in it.

Where to begin!

I am doing a very poor job of keeping up with my blogging. Truth is, as far as Mary goes, it is always the same old same old. This it seems has turned out to be a good thing. I have come to realize that stressing over what she does or does not do is something that blogging has helped me not do anymore. So, I go for long stretches of time with no posts. Then, like this week, I have tons of stuff to update. Yes, I am now updating, no longer whining or complaining, stressing or worrying. Again, this is a good thing. If I have nothing to update for a month or two, again, good things.

Now, for an update on school. We finally know what Mary will be doing this next school year. Kaley Elementary is the public school we are zoned for, and is within walking distance from my house. There, they have what they call a V.E. class. Varying Exceptionalities. This classroom is a self contained class with 8-9 kids, one teacher and one paraprofessional. One class, one teacher, with the exception of P.E, art and music. No more switching classes, and having a different teacher for every subject. Perfect for Mary. Also, and the best of all, no mingling with the teenagers! As she will be one of the older kids in the whole school. During the first 3-4 weeks of school, they will test her, and see where she is both academically and psychologically. This is wonderful, no separate testing away from school. Hopefully, she will just figure this is a normal part of her day and not feel the pressure of testing. I am very excited for Mary. Problem is, we cant really tell her just yet. Mary is somewhat aware that she is going to a different school, but once we tell her in those exact words, she will start obsessing and stressing. I know over the summer when she is away from Avalon, and we tell her, she will be very excited.

I will try not to go into overload on this one post, but there is still a few more things to update. We had a neurologist appointment last week and Mary is scheduled for her annual EEG this week. We have had to up the dosage on her ADD medication, which is still in its, lets wait and see what happens stage. With all that, I am sure another post will be coming soon. As I finish up this post, I realize that I may still have a bit more whining to do. This whining is still in its processing stage, once I have figured it out, I'm sure there will be a post. So, stay tuned...

Been a while..

Wow, it sure has been a while! I could have sworn my last post was a couple of weeks ago. Time is just getting by me too fast these days.
I wish I could say so many things have happened, but really there has not been much. This week however, all kinds of things are happening. Quite a few things dawned on me in the last few days. Mary is still regularly getting her period. Why is it that my 13 year old could go 2-3 months without a period, and Mary has been like clockwork? It has been difficult to find a pad that will fit her skinny body. Then it hit me, buy her bigger underwear! Briefs, not bikinis. Brilliant. While at the Target for said underwear, I come across pads for tweens, by Kotex. Hallelujah! I bought 3 boxes, just in case I can't find them again. That, plus the bigger undies and we have success. Mary can now help herself. Probably too much information, but a big deal around here. It has also slowly, but most certainly, become clear that she has started to outweigh her medication. We now have full blown Mary in overdrive, all day. Still, not too bad, she is getting older, so she doesn't bounce around too much, just extremely chatty. I can wait it out until Dr. appointment next month.

As far as school goes...... Today was a big day for me. I registered Mary in public school. It was a bit scary, I can't even describe how I felt. I have never been more sure that this is a change we have to make, but still felt apprehensive. Only because making decisions for Mary are so hard, we want to be so sure we are doing the right thing for her. By the time I was finished talking to the placement person at the school, I was almost exhilarated. I don't know what excites me more, the fact that she will get all the services she needs in one place, or the fact that we don't have to pay for any of it. My wonderful husband is trying to warn me not to get too excited, of course, because we could run in to just as many issues in public school as we are in private. So, I have been looking at it like it can't be any worse than what we are dealing with now. I know better than to expect a fix to anything. I do know they will be doing a more extensive evaluation. I didn't realize the private school evaluation done by the county is not as in depth as if your child was attending public school, not just receiving services. Maybe our diagnosis can be narrowed down a little? There I go hoping again, not to worry, as I said, I know better. All I have to do is remember soon she will be in middle school, and then a few short years after that, high school. That in itself, is enough to crush me. Stay tuned....

What to do, part two....

Here we are again, shaking our heads over Mary's school. I have two major problems with her school. One, I'm not sure I like the kids she has decided she wants to mimic. Mary feels the need to act like other people sometimes, I think she just doesn't know how to be herself when as he is with other kids. I know I have explained all that in more than one of my posts. Two, I do not believe all of, or I should say any, besides one of Mary's teachers, has any experience teaching special needs kids. Example: Mary had to study for a science test, we did the best we could, she really tried. I was shaking my head over trying to figure out how she is supposed to remember the difference between, toposhere, stratosphere, photosynthesis? Give me a break! Still, I did not discourage her, we made an attempt to memorize it all. So, as I suspected, Mary got a 64%. What does the teacher say? "You didn't pass your test, so no treat for you next week" Please, just imagine the smoke coming out of the top of my head. This is only one recent example.

I have always been adamant about not putting her in public school, thinking it would be detrimental to her development. Well, really, is this any better? I started browsing the website of the public school in our zone. Not much there on special needs, so I checked the public school which is the same distance, but not in our zone. Low and behold, there is a whole section on special needs. It turns out, this school is a feeder school for children with special needs, ie: Autism and intellectual disabilities, which means the "mentally educable", which is what Mary has been deemed. From what I could get off the website, this may be good for Mary. I believe that the kids are in their own classroom, and are not included in with the "regular kids". There is a whole method to teaching kids with learning differences. I made a call, and am waiting to schedule an appointment to talk to someone. If anything, we can try this for a year, if it doesn't work out, then we will qualify for Florida's scholarship program and send her to that high dollar private school we were looking into. We need to do something before she gets to middle school, I don't even want to think about having to put her into the middle school we are zoned for here.

I know I cannot shelter her from everything, but if I could just minimize what she is exposed to on a daily basis, then I will. Sure, right now being in a class of 10 seems ideal for her, but wouldn't a class of 5 be better? I am no longer worried about her academic abilities. It is amazing all that she is capable of doing. My main focus right now is not whether she knows about the greenhouse effect, or even if she can add 1 + 1. I need to put more focus on her socialization, behavior, and general mental health. I should be used to this by now, but still, I am blown away by the power of prayer. How God tells you what to do, just by giving you those hunches and instincts. Makes me not worry so much about what going to happen tomorrow.

Moving out...

As you know, I have been trying to slowly give Mary some independence. While she is perfectly capable of caring for her body on her own, I have a hard time accepting that she is doing it properly. Mary has always showered, washed, and brushed up in our bathroom. There is a bathroom close to her room, but when she showers there, she tends to play, rather than clean. Not only that, but it's smaller and I can't get to her as easily, so she doesn't use it. I have just recently let her shower without any assistance, although, every once in a while I will wash her hair to make sure she is thorough. Even teeth brushing, I will go in and re-brush.

These last 2 weeks, I have been recuperating from gallbladder surgery. Piece of cake for me, but the first week I was unable to move as quickly as I usually do. With Mary being as developed as she is, my husband no longer has any roll in assisting her, so I just let go, and let her do it all.

At some point in the week, it hit me, this is not so bad. I realized how nice it was to not have to get up and get her moving. As a result of me not leading her, she made less of a fuss. Obviously, like all kids, she relished in the independence. So, I decided to move her officially and completely out of our bathroom. No more spit streaks in my sink! I went to the store and bought her some special little toiletries, and additional accessories for her bathroom. When Mary got home from school, I explained this all to her, I let her know how proud of her I was, and how much she is growing up. You should have seen her face light up.

Now, my evenings are a little less hectic, and Mary is a lot more cooperative about getting in the shower. I suppose these milestones happened with all of my children, but with Mary, it always feels like a physical force. I try to look at it as God's way of letting me see the importance in all of life's little things.

Girls just wanna have fun!

This week is "Spirit Week" at Mary's school. From crazy hat day, to pajama day, it's been a fun week. Today is by far, as Mary would say, the best day ever! It's Blast from the Past day, and Mary has extensive knowledge of all things 80's. We kept going back and forth between who she wanted to look like. While I explained to her that she could just be Mary from the 80's, she wasn't going to have that. So, we are Cyndi Lauper today. Blondie and Pat Benetar came in close behind. Cyndi Lauper of course had the most make-up and crazy look out of the three. Mary was excited because she got to wear lots of make-up and big earrings. We had a lot of fun getting ready this morning.

I would love to be more like Mary. It's kind of funny, because Mary is very much like me in the self-esteem, confidence areas. However, I try to keep my insecurities to myself, avoiding certain situations at all costs, where as Mary is right out there with it all. Going to school this morning dressed the way she was, had her reeling. I could tell she was extremely nervous. I walked into school with her and she was obviously uncomfortable. All of her hand gestures and mannerisms scream "please don't look at me and laugh!". Only the wonderful, amazing thing about Mary, is that she wants to do it so badly, that she pushes through it all with a determination I can't quite explain. I actually read a book called "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway", you know what? Didn't help a bit! I may be able to push myself through some situations, but not to the degree that Mary does. As I've said before, we could all use a little Mary in us!

Too soon.........

I knew the day was coming, thought I was prepared, thought I had prepared Mary well enough. Still, in the back of my mind did I ever think I would be helping my 10 year old through her first period? No. That's right, Mary got her period, and she is only 10. Her doctor informed us long ago that developmentally delayed children go through puberty earlier. Why, I have no idea, but believe me I am trying my hardest to understand. I have even come to a few of my own conclusions. So far, Mary seems to be doing well enough with it all, probably better than I am. I know she is a little scared, a little confused and afraid of it hurting. It seems that no matter how I try to explain to her that she is not a teenager, her body keeps telling her otherwise! It is getting to a point where I have to remind myself that she is only 10, small comfort to me that she will be 11 in 3 months. At her last Dr. appointment, she measured in at 5 ft. tall, she now wears a bra without being told, and she is completely boy crazy. These things may have happened with my two other girls (only a bit older), but for them it seemed like a natural course of events. Not to mention, I never had as much "hands on" experience with either of them.

So, now I have to go back to keeping a monthly calendar, and try to teach her how to properly care for herself. I know it is not going to be easy, because naturally my first instinct is to just do it myself. I know I can't do that, but don't think I have not tossed and turned with thoughts of keeping her home from school on those days, or just hanging out at school with her. My husband, who thinks I just look for things to stress out about, is right there with me on this one. Believe me, I know what I have to do if I want to maintain even the slightest bit of sanity. Like everything else, we will get through this. Thank God it only comes once a month!

One of my theories on why this has to happen at such a young age is really quite simple. Isn't it better to have all these raging hormones and developmental milestones happening now while I can still control it? If I can reign it in, and drill it all into her now, then I won't have an out of control teenager on my hands years from now. Right? It's a theory, but for now it gives me some comfort. Or it may be that I have never been able to accept the fact that things are the way they are and sometimes there just is no explanation.

Staying put....for now

Well, it seems my Mary is just a little too advanced for the last school we visited. I know, this should make me happy. We did hear of another school which is for "high functioning" children. All sounds perfect, except the tuition. Yes, they do accept Florida's Mckay Scholarship money, but we would have to put Mary in public school for a year, then say she can't learn in that environment, apply for the funds, and there you go. However, I refuse to put Mary in public school. I am sure it is fine for some kids, but for someone like Mary, it would be devastating. Maybe I'm over reacting, but even the psychologist said it would set her back. Right now, she is in a place where there are kids just like her, academically, she is ahead of a lot of them. Place her somewhere where she is aware that she is not like the majority of students, and the stress and anxiety she will suffer will be great.

This other school does sound promising. They will be having an open house soon, and I will attend, even though the tuition is astronomical. So for now, we are staying put. Mary has grown so much in just the last few weeks, and as long as we keep drilling things into her, eventually she catches on. Who knows what the next school year will bring, we could win the lottery, Florida could change the way they give scholarship money, who knows, stranger things have happened. Besides, she is in 4th grade, I am just happy to find that there is more out there for her than I thought.

Faith

It has been a while since my last post. Christmas break was so relaxing I didn't even try thinking too hard about anything! However, I had been continually praying for guidance with Mary and her school situation. Low and behold, I sit down to read the newspaper, and on the front page is an article about a school close by for children with special needs. An answer to a prayer? That's exactly what I thought. Then, imagine my frustration at it being the first day of the school break. I cannot reach anyone at the school for two weeks! So, I emailed them anyway, just to let them know I was very interested in touring their school. Finally, yesterday I talked to someone and have an appointment tomorrow. It looks promising, if anything, they offer services that could be helpful in addition to staying where she is.

So, we are back to school, back to Dr. appointments, and generally starting to think about things again. I noticed on the second day of school, Mary gave me absolutely no grief about getting ready in the morning. After such a long break, it usually takes her a while to get back in the swing of things. It was obvious the night before school started that she was stressing, so I woke up prepared for the worst. Well, the worst never came, here it is Wednesday, and still no breakdown. I mean, she even made her bed! Then I started to think back on the last couple of weeks, and I realized, Mary's behavior has changed, she seems to be gaining independence, and behaving more responsibly. In a way, that makes me sad. It's like when you realize your children are not babies anymore, only with Mary it's coming at age 10. I guess it's about time!

I sometimes get tired of hearing all the cliche's, like God not giving you more than you can handle, or everything happens for a reason, etc... But for me, these very cliche's seem to always be true. Just when I start to basically give up and say "whatever, I don't care", or I start to feel my faith slipping, something happens to set me straight. I realized today that this change in Mary is one of those times. Like always with Mary (and myself), God does things in his own time. I have finally accepted that there will always be something to deal with in life, not only with Mary, but with all of us. I don't know which feels better, seeing my kids grow and learn, or seeing it in myself.

What to do

My husband and I visited another school today. Once again, I am left struggling with what to do. Mary is very happy at her current school, we have been happy with her current school. Our reasons for looking into another school for Mary have little to do with academics, and more to do with socialization, and the influence other children have on Mary. We are starting to see some things that have made us feel we may need a more "controlled" environment. One that stresses and teaches social skills. This has led us to a small Catholic run school for children with special needs. I knew this school existed, but thought they only accepted children with Down Syndrome. I have since found out that is not the case, however, 50% of the school is populated with Downs children. When we talked to the principal, we both knew immediately that the description of the curriculum as well as other activities at the school were perfect for Mary. Then we took a tour of the school and visited classrooms.

Well, what we saw was wonderful, kids making gingerbread houses, quiet, peaceful surroundings, Virgin Mary statues in the garden, etc... But... these kids were mostly Down Syndrome, some with obvious severe developmental disabilities. I am ashamed to admit this, but it kind of made me uncomfortable, almost fearful. Then, I guess I had a realization that maybe this is how some people react to Mary. Only with Mary, to look at her and even to sometimes talk to her, you wouldn't know, until she starts getting weird on you. I do believe that it is mostly kids that feel this way, and this is why kids at her school react to her the way they do sometimes. Hence, the reason for looking at another school. Mary has got more going on than just learning disabilities. Mary is considered "mentally educable", her IQ is in the extremely low range. Most of your learning disabled kids can have an average IQ and still not be able to read. So how does an average IQ'd child from a questionable home with mild learning disabilities react when Mary tries to strike up a conversation? Let's see, one little boy in her class threatened to bring a knife to school and stab her to death. Apparently he plays too many violent video games. Not an excuse if you ask me! Trust me, we, and the school, are dealing with this. So what does Mary do when she feels unaccepted by her peers? Well, the teenagers are nice to Mary, they think she's cute, and this is why she gravitates towards them.

So, what do we do? I wish somebody would just tell me what is the right thing to do for her. We tried play therapy, but her mental challenges made it difficult for the therapist to "play" with her. I am going to bring Mary to the school, and just let her look around and get a read on how she feels. In the mean time, we will pray, pray, pray. Hopefully an answer will come. Either way, we have the rest of the year to think about it. There is no room for Mary this year, and maybe by next school year, something else will come up.

Do we ever really grow up?

Since Mary's school goes up to 12th grade, I have been concerned with certain friendships she has made with older kids. I, as you know am not happy with her pre-occupation with the teenage boys. I have talked to the teachers at school and they keep a close eye on her, and encourage her to hang out with kids, especially girls, her own age. The other day while I was picking Mary up from school, one of her teachers came out to talk to me about a boy Mary has bonded with. This particular boy is a teenager, but has the mentality of a 9 year old. The teacher has been keeping an eye out and wanted to know if I wanted the friendship to continue. This I found was a tough one to answer. I do not want to discourage Mary from being friendly, especially when that friendship is to someone who does not fit in with kids his own age. After all, this is the exact problem Mary has! So, I told Mary she can say hi, chat a bit, but not hang out. He may have the mentality of a 9 year old, but I still need to discourage her from hanging with big kids. Mary cannot tell the difference between a teenager with a teenage mentality or a teenager with a child's mentality. So, I gotta do what I gotta do....

Between this, Mary's belief in Santa, and some other issues with my other children, I have been pondering some things.
Do we ever really grow up? I know at my age, I have quiet a few hang ups that stem directly from my childhood. I am totally aware of these things and know I am an adult now, but I still can't seem to shake them. I know it affects my relationships with my children as well as my husband. I know my husband so well, that I know that there are things he does and says that come from his childhood. I know it, but it doesn't stop me from getting angry with him. I know how I deal with the problems my children may be having will directly affect them as adults. So, the child in me worries that I am going to do it all wrong, but the adult in me knows better. This to me seems like a viscous cycle of which none of us ever truly grows up or out of. Surely there is a way of parenting that ensures our children can actually be adults without all the childhood hang ups? Do I feel like researching this to make sure my kids become normal functioning adults? No, not really. I am sure some of these hang ups have kept me from getting into a lot of trouble as an adult. So, I will keep this viscous cycle going.

Santa

Once again, the holidays are upon us. Mary still believes in Santa. The Elf on the Shelf came out and sits on the shelf, and reports to Santa every night to let him know Mary has been a good girl. Mary knows he reports to Santa because when she wakes up, he is on a different shelf. Last night she asked me if Santa was real. I asked her if Santa didn't bring the presents, who did? she said, "you do". I gave her the same talk I gave all my kids, all about the magic of waking up and seeing all the gifts, no matter where they came from, Jesus' birthday, etc.. I really don't think she gave it a second thought, because she then proceeded to give the elf a note to take to Santa.

I don't know why, but this makes me sad. I think it makes me sad that I really don't know if, or when she will fully comprehend the whole Santa thing. It just doesn't seem right to continue making her believe, when clearly she has heard something that made her question whether he is real. I'm afraid trying to explain it to her will be confusing and possibly make her sad. There is a big part of me that wants her to always believe, not only to hold onto her innocence, but it helps to hold it over head as well! I won't even mention the fact that remembering to move the elf every night makes me crazy. I don't know how many times in the past I woke in the middle of the night to move him. Thank you Hallmark for coming up with the Elf on the Shelf!

I have never actually said the words to my other children, "no santa isn't real". As I said, I told them to remember the magic of it all, and to remember the real reason we celebrate Christmas. Like everything else with Mary, I guess I will do the same and just ride it out and wait for it all to resolve itself. After all, it always does.

Milestones

As I write this I am still reeling in the fact that Mary has reached a milestone that has me, well, reeling. At 10 years old, puberty is in full swing, Mary is more developed than I was at 14. I know the day is going to come when she gets her period, and I am not looking forward to it. I still help Mary with her basic hygiene, from teeth brushing, face washing, (as we are battling acne!), washing her hair, and getting in all the nooks and crannies while showering. Tonight I realized it was time to shave her armpits. Yes, this has got me more perplexed than the thought of her getting her period!

I know I have to let Mary learn to take care of these things herself. I have been trying to give her more freedom in taking care of her body. I believe she is getting the hair washing thing down, I am not seeing greasy hair the next morning when she has washed it herself. She does fine on her body, but for some reason spends more time cleaning her feet?? However......The thought of having her shave! Nope, I told her under no circumstances is she to touch the razor without me. I realize that 10 is a little young, and with her developmental delays, its like expecting a 6 year old to shave. Knowing that makes me feel a whole lot better about not letting her do it herself. After all, it's a sharp object!! Thankfully, her legs don't look like they are in need of a shave, nor has she asked.

So my hope, and my fear is this, I hope since we are dealing with all this at such a young age, by the time Mary is a teenager, she will be an expert at taking care of herself. My fear is, what the hell am I going to be dealing with when she is a teenager!

Writer's block?

Either I am suffering from writer's block, or I have finally come to terms with Mary, being Mary. Sure, things still happen around here that make me go hmmm, but I guess they just don't eat at me anymore. Every time something comes up and I think about blogging about it, I say, " nah, it's not that big a deal". I believe starting this blog has helped me tremendously.

After a while, I felt like I was repeating myself in my posts. They began to sound too whiny. I do not want to become one of those people who complains about things constantly, because Lord knows, I am aware that life could be a lot more difficult. I know how blessed and lucky I am. I guess I needed to get out my feelings so ultimately I was able to kick my self and say, "get over it already"!.

I have even noticed that in my everyday conversations with people, eventually, the subject of Mary comes up. I know, when I get on the subject of Mary, it seems sometimes I can't stop! So there again, I tell myself I need to stop, there is nothing new. I am the only one who cares. I do not, by any means, mean to say the people I talk to do not care, just that they see her as who she is and not what she has, or does. It's high time I start thinking that way. There I go, I know I have mentioned that more than once in my posts.

So what now? Believe me, there are plenty of things I feel are blog worthy. When I think of the money that we pay for therapy and medications to help us get through the difficult times, it amazes me. In the past I have always searched for answers through other people. All along, knowing myself what I need to do. All it took to find this out was starting a blog. Maybe I should start working on the other members of my family and change my blog to Diagnosing Murphy. Now that will be an undertaking!

Play therapy

Well, it seems play therapy was not a good fit for Mary. It was kind of hard for the psychologist to get anything out of her when all she did was nervously chatter for an hour. When Mary feels like she is expected to do, or say something, she gets nervous and she will talk non stop, jumping from one thing to another. I can tell immediately, the difference between nervous chatter and plain old Mary chatter. During the course of her 3-4 sessions, I got to sit in and talk with the Dr. as well. Once again, I was hit with a realization about Mary.

Mary is a happy, healthy little girl who has many quirky personality traits. I know all of them, and I have seen a lot of them change or completely disappear over the years. All without any outside help. It seems that every time she would do something odd, I would tell the doctor, we would talk about medication changes, what could be causing her behaviors, etc. All the while at home, we are constantly talking to her about what is acceptable and what is not.

I realized that I am constantly looking for a fix, or a change. I don't think I meant to, because I will be the first to say I love her just the way she is, and wouldn't want to change her. When in actuality, that is exactly what I was doing. In the last 2 weeks, I have witnessed Mary stop and think about what she is going to say, and realize either how she should articulate it, or if she should even say it at all. This all from a child who supposedly has "mushy" breaks. Meaning, she cannot stop herself from saying or doing things. When the psychologist had her list how she felt about certain things, most of it was love, happy, beautiful, family. When I saw that what she thought of herself was that she was beautiful, I wanted to cry. I know that there are times when she realizes she isn't like everyone else, or her feelings get hurt because somebody said something mean. I also believe that there is more happiness in her and she can quickly overcome the bad feelings. Maybe that is just my hope, but I'll take it.

We just had parent teacher conferences. Mary's teachers are happy with her, her schoolwork and ability to pay attention is fine. They keep their eye on her and gently remind her when she needs to redirect her attentions. With all that she has in her life, I don't think one more therapy can do any more than what those of us that love her can do. Mary has been described by her teacher and even the psychologist as an enigma. There is no rhyme or reason to her, they cannot explain why she does what she does. She cannot be fixed, and I will say it again, I don't want her fixed. I think I just thought I was trying to help her. Mary is happy and loved, why would anyone want to fix or even help those feelings to be any different? Not me, not anymore.

Letting it go

I am grateful for many things in my life. Lately I have been reflecting on all the people in my life, specifically our circle of friends. I know I have mentioned more than once how I stress over how people are going to react to Mary. I came to the conclusion that it's not Mary's behavior I am concerned with. It's mine, or what I think people with think of me. I guess I'm afraid they are going to feel uncomfortable with they way she is behaving or what she is saying, and that I am letting her, well, basically be herself.

We have a wonderful little circle of friends, and everyone loves and accepts Mary. Even my friends children are great with her. So why do I still fee this way? I know it is silly, and I don't think for a minute that any one of my friends feels uncomfortable with her. I have three other children, and there are things Mary will say or do that my other kids would never get away with. If it weren't for that, maybe I wouldn't worry so much. I just wouldn't know any better.

It amazes me how you can go on with a belief or behavior without consciously thinking how ridiculous it is. Then all of a sudden it hits you, and your like, "what the heck is wrong with you"! So now, when I start to head towards Mary to stop her, I will try to stop myself, and just let it go. I feel so blessed and grateful for all the people in our lives, that it will bring me to tears at times. I need to start thinking that maybe they are just as grateful to have us in their lives as well.

Mary's world

This week has been tough. My oldest daughter Sarah experienced the death of a good friend. Sarah's friend has a little sister a couple of years younger than Mary. They had gotten together on a couple of occasions to take their little sisters to the movies,or to spend a little time together. Mary doesn't really remember, but she was sad and asked if she should say a prayer.

I knew if I let her think about it too much, she would start to cry. I could see by the look on her face that she was deciding how or who, she should feel sad for. She knows that death is sad, but I think knowing that her sister was hurting bothered her more. Mary asked me if he had a job, I told her that he did. After some thought, she stated that they were now going to have to find someone to take his place at work. I didn't know if I should laugh or cry at her observation.

It amazes me how her mind works sometimes. How at times there is no sense in what she says, and at other times, she can be the only one in the room making sense. I found a really good website that gave me some insight into talking to Mary about death, http://http://www.griefspeaks.com/id27.html. It's funny how many things I have not bothered to talk to her about because I figured she wouldn't understand.

I have a friend who often says that we should all be lucky enough to live in Mary's world. I think she meant that because Mary seems oblivious to a lot that's going on. I believe Mary's world is so much more. Not only is she not oblivious, she is thinking about way more than we would. So yes, Mary's world would be a wonderful place to be.

Growing pains

That is, I am the one experiencing the growing pains. Mary is my 3rd daughter, I have been through this puberty thing before. Oh, the obvious, chest development, hormones fluctuating and so on. However, I have been very happily oblivious to my older girls discovering certain parts of their bodies. I will not go in to detail, and it really was not that bad. Mary, at 10 is as the Dr. says, at stage 4 of puberty. I have been trying to get her to wear a bra for a while now. Being sensitive to what she is wearing, Mary has refused the bra thing. Fortunately, her posture is such that her shirts hang, so you can't see too much. So after purchasing every style out there, it seems a sports bra is the way to go. Why a sports bra? When Mary put the bra on, she pointed to her "abs" and said "look, I got these". I believe that in her mind, she sees that as sexy. I guess that's better than thinking the skimpy lacy bras are sexy. Still, I am not happy, and all my explaining on what is acceptable and appropriate, I can only hope is getting through to her.

After seeing, and realizing there are parts of her that feel good, I knew I had to have a certain talk with her. I have talked to her before about her period, knowing it's coming soon. I had to prepare her, and she seems o.k. with it. Up until now, she still believed babies were taken out of your stomach by the doctor, which I was more than happy to let her continue to believe. Last night I had to explain exactly where babies came from. At this point she was upset with herself for what she was doing, and embarrassed. I went through the whole thing about feelings, and your body ,etc. I did leave out how the baby got in there. She didn't ask and I cannot, will not, voluntarily give up that information! Her response to everything was "that's disgusting"! I hope she continues to think that until she is about 30.

I'm sad, sad that she could be oblivious to so many things, but not this. I worry about her doing things and not understanding what they mean. I worry about her being taken advantage of in so many ways. I worry about these things with all my children, but with Mary it's different. Mary has always had a thing for the boys, for some unknown disturbing reason, she likes the older ones. Teenagers, preferably with long hair. I don't know where, why or how on this one. Mary also longs to be accepted and to be like everybody else. This makes her more vulnerable. I wish I could just keep her locked up and away from the world forever, but I know that is completely insane thinking. I know things are going to happen, and I am so afraid that I will not be able to handle it. These are the times when all I can think about is how I would give up and sacrifice everything to just have her be your average little girl.

Mary started her first session of "play therapy" with a psychologist. I am hoping that this will help with her social skills. Hoping she will see that going to a group of teenage boys and flipping her hair and flirting with them is not appropriate. I need to block out all the Disney and Nickelodeon t.v. shows that she is modeling her behavior after. Most of all, I need to keep praying, for her and for myself!

Everything in moderation....

Mary has a tendency to obsess about all different kinds of things. Her obsessions come and go. We tried medication, didn't work. The meds for ocd just made her less "inhibited". Mary expressed those inhibitions by prancing around like she was a trampy teenager. No thank you! I'll deal with the obsessions! I know that if Mary gets too much of something that she likes, she will obsess to a point that she can't live without it. Then I go in like the bad guy and take it away.

Mary loves to think she is a teenager, she has an obsession with cell phones. She owns tons of toy phones. Well, I came up with a plan to get her to stop pulling the hems out of all her clothes. If she can go the day without unraveling her shirt, she gets a smiley face, after 4, she gets the ultimate reward. That being, my Ipod Touch. There is a texting app, and Mary gets to text. It started out with just messaging her sisters, then my niece visited, Mary got her number. My daughter had a friend sleep over, Mary got her number. Before you know it, she's got 4 different conversations going. I read them and realized her sentence structure is improving with each text. Great! I have a teaching tool as well! Not so fast........

I started to notice her freaking out. Battery warning, she charges it, and checks it every other second for a message. If I tell her I need to see it, she freaks, "don't read my texts"! Then we had a setback. I noticed that while Mary was texting 3 different people, she managed to unravel the hem on her skirt. I know it was because she was anxiously waiting for the next message to arrive. Immediately I confiscated the Ipod. There's a Pearl Jam song, "Crazy Mary", wild eyed, crazy Mary. That's what I was looking at. Mary said all kinds of things, "your mean, I can't live here anymore, I'm going to move in with Sarah", etc. The look on her face was, anger, panic, sadness, fear, all in one expression.

Once again, I will scale it back and modify any way I can so she does not become so obsessed. I will admit, there was a part of me that realized it needed to be scaled back. Then, a part of me that says, nah, she's happy, there's peace in the house, let it go. Someone needs to remind me of this the next time the words, "I have a great incentive for Mary" comes out of my mouth!