Loaded Question

One night, as my children and I were all dancing around and having fun, my very deep thinking son asked me a question. "Mom, do you ever wonder why God gave us Mary?". Along with that question he also asked why I think God made her that way. Do I ever wonder? What a loaded question! I don't think he was prepared for my reaction, but I am pretty sure he has a better understanding of all things Mary. What was my reaction? With tears in my eyes, and a huge smile on my face, I told him that God chose to give us Mary because he knew we were special, and would love and care for her with all our hearts. I then proceeded to admit to him my own struggles with that same question.

I told him of the endless amount of guilt I have suffered, the constant worrying, the praying, the sadness. Most of all the deep love, never resentment for her being different.
There is one particular Psalm in the Bible that I chanted over and over in my head.
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. Psalm 139:13-14.

For me, these words have helped me to see myself, as well as Mary, wonderfully made. I explained to Jimmy, that God knew before we were all born, who we are going to be, and he must have thought we were pretty special to give us someone as wonderful as Mary. What a wonderful deep conversation we had. As I said, I think he got more than he bargained for. I also made him listen to a song that makes me think of Mary with a sense of peace, pride and joy. So, for your listening pleasure, I have included that song in this post. One of my all time favorite artists, saying exactly what I feel.

Here we go again!

Wow, two posts in one week! I have a feeling, after today, I will be posting more often. My husband and I took Mary today to meet with the director of a place called Social Bridges. We were referred to this place once before, as a place for Mary to learn social skills. At the time we did not pursue it for a number of reasons. First, we had hoped her school guidance program would help, then of course there was the cost. It is a bit pricey. Between school, speech therapy, and various other things we have done to try to help her, it was too much of an additional expense. I realized a few days ago that now that we aren't paying school tuition anymore, the expense won't be so bad. I sent an email expressing our interest, and got a call yesterday, and today we met.

Now I am trying real hard to contain my excitement. Remember I have been down this road before. I sit in on these meetings, I listen, I feel hopeful. Everything sounds perfect for Mary. There will be a group of kids that meet with 2 counselors every week. they meet at dinner time, I will have to send her with a meal, more than likely, Chick Fil A.
They start skill practicing during their meal, and go on from there. There will be a time or two when they are taken on field trips, either to a restaurant, mini golf, etc. They are given an opportunity to use their skills in a public setting. Making eye contact, speaking clearly, recognizing social cues, knowing how to start and maintain a conversation. Tom and I will also be learning how to help her at home, there is a sibling support group as well. Social Bridges also communicates with the school to see her progress in the classroom. There is a report card in the middle and a final at the end. I believe it goes until the end of December, depending on how she does, we either sign up for another session, or move on.

Our meeting today was an intake interview. Mary sat with us, had to answer questions, was explained things like why its important to look people in the eye, etc.. Of course, Mary was considered a perfect candidate for the program. Apparently, there are others like her, and they are confident she will benefit from the program. So, here we go again, starting new school, a new program, new hopes. No, I don't want her to change, I just want her to be the best she can be. I want other people to know the Mary that we know and love. Mary will talk to anyone, she is very social, it's just hard for her to know what to say sometimes. Mary's obsession with things are also going to be addressed, she will be taught to move on from things and not obsess about them. Hopefully her new medication will make that a bit easier for her. I am now going to go print out the forms, and mail out my deposit, stay tuned.....

On High Alert

It looks like I am blogging only once a month. I don't know if it's because of this wonderful, lazy summer I'm having, or I have gotten past worrying all the time. School starts in a few weeks, so we will see if I really have taken the worrying down a couple of notches. Trust me, there have been more than a few times where I could have blogged, but by the time I could sit down and write, the mood has passed. Mary is Mary, and there really haven't been any new concerns.

So why am I on "high alert"'? Good question, one I am currently trying to figure out. Mary started on a new medication this week for her anxiety. It is an anti-depressant, which she has taken before. It is supposed to help with her OCD as well. The last medication she took didn't work out so well. It made her disinhibited, which means she just didn't care about what she said or did. Mary can sometimes say inappropriate things, well, this medication made her over the top. If I asked her to do or not do something, she would look at me and do, or not do it anyway. With a devilish look in her eye as well! Not worth it, especially when she walked over to a group of my sons friends and asked if anyone wanted to make out. I'm fairly certain at the time she didn't even know what that meant.

When we went for her regular three month check up, I told the Doctor the usual. Mary was anxious about this or that. Usually leaving for vacation, coming home from vacation, etc. Whenever she knows there is going to be a change in her life, she gets excited, but has to be constantly reassured about exactly how everything is going to go. Right down to, "Are there going to be restaurants there?". We went to her new school to pick up shirts, and boy was she excited! However, for the rest of the week, she wanted to know everything, becoming fixated on lunch trays.
This is why the Dr. suggested a different medication. Hesitantly I agreed, but I'm on edge.

It has been just about a week now. I am suspicious of every little thing Mary is doing or saying. I realized last night that while there have been a couple of things that at the time made me nervous, there really isn't anything she has not done before. It amazes me that she could be doing the same things she has always done, and just because she is on new medication, I want to make more out of it. Can you say paranoia? It really is hard to tell right now because nothing is going on. I will try to shake my paranoia for now, and get it back in full swing once school starts. That will be the real test. While Mary is very excited about starting a new school, it is highly stressful. I wonder if it is more stressful for me than for Mary. I should probably be the one on anti anxiety meds.