Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Home School?

Home schooling. This is something that has crossed my mind, and immediately went out of my mind. I could never do it. I don't have the patience, and Mary needs to interact with other kids. Besides, she would not want me to be her teacher, she knows that's not the way it's supposed to be. School is where it's at, for Mary.

I am becoming increasingly frustrated with Mary's school. As I was complaining last night, my son said, "Why don't you just home school her?". No thank you. However, it got me thinking. Will I ever be happy with any school Mary attends? Will there ever be a teacher that teaches her the way I think she should be taught? Does my being her mom, trump a college eductated, experienced, special education teacher? What is my main goal here? Am I getting upset because I just want her to be happy, all the time? I suppose that is the truth. I don't ever want her to struggle, or be unhappy with an assignment she has to do. I also want the teachers to always be happy with her. I am living in fantasy land.

I will not go into every little detail about what is bothering me, because I am doubting my reasoning at this point. I am starting to take a step back, and look at myself, my actions, and how much I codddle Mary. Only because I am starting to see some behaviors in her that indicate she just may be taking advantage of my coddleness. (Pretty sure that is not a word). Anyway, I am trying to figure out at what point, and to what degree, do I start making Mary accountable for her actions. Like forgetting to do a homework assignment. I insist if it isn't written down, she will forget, as I told her teacher. Her teacher beleives she does have the ability to remember, as she has demonstrated in the past. See my dilemma? This is a scary realization for me, becaue it means I can't keep Mary happy all the time. I need to start coming up with consequences. It is so much easier with my other children. Mary gets away with murder! I have had this realization in the past, but on a smaller scale. Now, I need to step back and let her accept consequences from other people, like her teachers, without me getting angry at them for doing what they think is right for her.

My first reaction was to start looking for a different school. I don't want to be one of those parents who is constantly complaining, and moving my poor child from school to school, just to make me happy. Fortunately for me, next year is middle school. Which means a new school for Mary. Until then, I will stick it out, work it all out in my head, and help Mary adjust to the changes. Still, I will not entertain any thoughts of home schooling.

Friday, November 4, 2011

What a week!

All I could think about since Mary's seizure on Monday, was how much I have grown since her first seizure 9 years ago. I am no longer panic stricken every time I look at her, I feel fine having her out of my sight. I honestly am not worried. If it happens again, it happens. I know now that there is nothing I can do about it. However, I am still a little leery about being too far from home during the day, home is close to school.

I have been through so much in the last several years. I truly believe that all the suffering I have had with my own health issues, has helped me. I have always believed that everything happens for a reason. Could it be that I got sick, just so I would be able to handle Mary's issues without fear and panic? I realize I could have been a lot worse off, and there are people with much worse health conditions. For me, what I went through was extremely traumatic. I was not near death, but it did make me think about death. I realized I have no control over anything, and all I do is worry myself sick. Not anymore, if I get sick, or my kids get sick, there is nothing I can do about it, except pray and ask God for strength. Granted, my initial reaction will always be panic, but the panic now goes away. After Mary's first seizure, I had my body in panic mode all the time, for years. Always waiting for that next seizure. After my last major surgery, I finally got rid of the baby monitor by my bed. I was holding onto "what if she has a seizure during the night and I don't hear her". I know all those years of worrying contributed to my health issues. You can do the research, stress causes inflammation. Inflammatory bowel disease, coincidence, I don't think so. I do believe some people are more susceptible to certain illnesses, me being one of them, but I also believe how you handle them makes a big difference. Maybe had I not been such a worry wort, I could have held onto a few more organs. Who knows?

So, the thought of the baby monitor crossed my mind on Monday night, and I thought, "nah, it will happen when it happens whether I'm with her 24 hours or not". This seizure happened at school, the school nurse was right next door, so the teacher (a first for her) was not alone. I just got home from the grocery store, and was there in minutes, as well as my husband being close by. What really goes through my mind is how she went down, literally. When I picture it in my head, I know that there are angels close by, making sure everything is o.k. Mary did not fall on the floor, she was standing, but there were two chairs by her side, the teacher was able to get to her as she slid down to the chairs, and carefully placed her on the floor. Mary's first seizure was in my arms. I know with much certainty, that it will all be o.k. I will not worry myself sick. Even when things seem to be at their worst, and I believe, I have been there. Maybe not my last time, but I know I will get through whatever else might be in store for me. A bottle of wine also helps!

As I started this post, I was wondering why I am sitting here not knowing what to do with myself. I realized its because Mary had her braces put on yesterday, and is a bit uncomfortable. I told the teacher to call me if she wanted to come home. Of course Mary wanted to go to school today to show all her friends. I also realize that my worries now are of the normal variety, I can let them go, and not let them eat me alive. Oh to have so many revelations in one week, it's exhausting!

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Halloween 2011

The second scariest day of my life. After nine years, I cannot remember the day or month, but very clear in my head are the feelings. Mary had her first seizure when she was 2, her second on Halloween 2011. This date, I believe, will stick in my head.

Mary had a grand mal seizure during class yesterday. I had just returned from the grocery store, and was busy trying to get my house in order after being away for a few days. Someone from the school called me from her cell phone, to tell me Mary was having a seizure "right now". My heart fell into my stomach. I dropped the phone and jumped in my car, and was there in 3 minutes. Thank God I was home and we live so close. When I arrived, Mary was not seizing, but she was in a dazed state, which is typical afterwards. My entire body was shaking, my heart was pounding, my brain was zooming. Then I saw Mary, I got down on the floor with her and all those feelings left. I was calm, my Mom mode stepped in, and all I wanted to do was hold her, touch her, just be with her.

911 was called, and arrived shortly after I did. When my husband arrived, I was so thankful, he is always level headed and can think straight, even when he is clearly worried. I knew we probably didn't need to go to the hospital, and was surprised at myself for questioning the paramedics. They of course, highly recommended we go of course. If we took her home and she had another one, there could be complications, blah, blah, blah. Of course for the school, it is also a concern. Everybody is afraid of lawsuits, and it is so sad that it has to be that way. At this point Mary is alert and very scared, and very exhausted. Thankfully the fatigue helped keep her calm. They let me ride in the ambulance with her, and we were at the hospital in minutes.

We were in a room and within minutes, the first person to come in was the business person, looking for our insurance card, and ready to collect our copay of $250. Nice. Mary was checked over by 2 Dr.'s. Nothing was done, since she is already being treated for a seizure disorder, they saw no need to do blood work and all that. Thank God! We were out of there by 2:30. Halloween was on again! Mary was going to be "cool" Sandy from Grease.

We don't know what or why she had the seizure, it's been 9 years. A few weeks ago, we increased Mary's medication for her OCD and anxiety. One of the side effects is seizures, I knew this, so does the doctor, but the chances seemed to be slim. I suspect the increase was too much for her, so we will be tapering off and stopping that immediately. I don't care what the dr says. This medicine is not making such a huge difference that I want to ever experience this again. Of course I don't know if this is the cause, but why chance it? The neurologist is going to increase her seizure meds. Fine, the more the better.

I spent the rest of the day like everything was normal, I held it together through the day and into the evening. For some reason, I thought consuming an entire bottle of wine throughout the evening was a good idea. It was happy trick or treating time. By the time it was all over, and everyone was cleaned up and put to bed, I broke. I would not recommend ending a particularly stressful day polishing off an entire bottle of wine. I was a babbling lunatic. I guess it all just got to me. All of a sudden I'm replaying the events of the day over and over in my head. I knew there was a possibility of this happening, but after so long, just kind of forgot about it.

This morning, everything is back to normal. Mary was anxious to get back to school to let her friends know she is alright. When I had to go back to get my car at school yesterday, it was dismissal time. I stopped inside to let everybody know she was fine. Mary's friends all came up to her, gave her a hug and asked her if she was o.k. I know it was a scary thing for the kids to see. Even the boy she was having problems with asked her if she was o.k. This morning all she did was talk about how worried everybody must be. That's my Mary, in a rush to get to school to reassure everyone. Plus, I think she like the attention.