Sunday, July 15, 2012
I don't know what makes me more sad, the fact that the rest of the family is together and she is inside by herself, or the fact that it doesn't bother her. Mary never has that feeling of being left out. When she is off doing her own thing, and we are all together, it just doesn't feel right. I want her to want to be with us. I think I force her to do things with us more for myself than for her. I believe in doing this, and not giving in to her complaints about going somewhere, or doing something, is part of the reason she is as (struggling with a word) "functional", as she is. Mary is a puzzle, and we are the parts that fit perfectly together.
That was June, now let's talk about July! We had a big breakthrough on the 4th of July. Mary had been working herself up for our big annual party. There was going to be lots of people, noise, and of course fireworks. Before the anxiety of fireworks pops up in her mind, there is the anticipation of seeing certain people. The whole social aspect of the day gets her excited. I wish I could say its the kids that come that she gets to hang out with, but no, it's the adults. However, things went a little differently this year. Mary spent the early part of the party as usual, afraid to go outside because of the fireworks, hanging around whatever adults were in the house. After more than a few reminders from me to hang out with the kids, she eventually wandered outside, and even went swimming. I could tell, this was a forced action on Mary's part. There is just a look she gets, I'm sure only I can read, when she is scared, but really trying to fight her way through it. Mary has always been afraid of loud noises, and fireworks are the biggest noise of them all. Especially when she doesn't see where they are coming from. By the time it got dark, and my husband was ready to shoot of his arsenal, I frantically searched for Mary, to make sure she was securely away from the noise. As the bombs were bursting in air, I found her, outside, sitting with her fingers in her ears, and huddled closely to a friend of mine, watching the fireworks! The look on her face was pure terror, and joy, at the same time. Afterwards, we were all jumping for joy at this breakthrough. Mary was so proud of herself, she talked about it for days. Now let's see what happens at the next sporting event, when the buzzers blare.