All I could think about since Mary's seizure on Monday, was how much I have grown since her first seizure 9 years ago. I am no longer panic stricken every time I look at her, I feel fine having her out of my sight. I honestly am not worried. If it happens again, it happens. I know now that there is nothing I can do about it. However, I am still a little leery about being too far from home during the day, home is close to school.
I have been through so much in the last several years. I truly believe that all the suffering I have had with my own health issues, has helped me. I have always believed that everything happens for a reason. Could it be that I got sick, just so I would be able to handle Mary's issues without fear and panic? I realize I could have been a lot worse off, and there are people with much worse health conditions. For me, what I went through was extremely traumatic. I was not near death, but it did make me think about death. I realized I have no control over anything, and all I do is worry myself sick. Not anymore, if I get sick, or my kids get sick, there is nothing I can do about it, except pray and ask God for strength. Granted, my initial reaction will always be panic, but the panic now goes away. After Mary's first seizure, I had my body in panic mode all the time, for years. Always waiting for that next seizure. After my last major surgery, I finally got rid of the baby monitor by my bed. I was holding onto "what if she has a seizure during the night and I don't hear her". I know all those years of worrying contributed to my health issues. You can do the research, stress causes inflammation. Inflammatory bowel disease, coincidence, I don't think so. I do believe some people are more susceptible to certain illnesses, me being one of them, but I also believe how you handle them makes a big difference. Maybe had I not been such a worry wort, I could have held onto a few more organs. Who knows?
So, the thought of the baby monitor crossed my mind on Monday night, and I thought, "nah, it will happen when it happens whether I'm with her 24 hours or not". This seizure happened at school, the school nurse was right next door, so the teacher (a first for her) was not alone. I just got home from the grocery store, and was there in minutes, as well as my husband being close by. What really goes through my mind is how she went down, literally. When I picture it in my head, I know that there are angels close by, making sure everything is o.k. Mary did not fall on the floor, she was standing, but there were two chairs by her side, the teacher was able to get to her as she slid down to the chairs, and carefully placed her on the floor. Mary's first seizure was in my arms. I know with much certainty, that it will all be o.k. I will not worry myself sick. Even when things seem to be at their worst, and I believe, I have been there. Maybe not my last time, but I know I will get through whatever else might be in store for me. A bottle of wine also helps!
As I started this post, I was wondering why I am sitting here not knowing what to do with myself. I realized its because Mary had her braces put on yesterday, and is a bit uncomfortable. I told the teacher to call me if she wanted to come home. Of course Mary wanted to go to school today to show all her friends. I also realize that my worries now are of the normal variety, I can let them go, and not let them eat me alive. Oh to have so many revelations in one week, it's exhausting!
1 comment:
I can so relate to your predicament. Because of the illness of my daughter and husband, I have had more stress and sleepless nights than I care to recount, but it is only when I let go and believe that God will take care of us all that I can get through a day without too much worry. And he does surround us and care for us. It's hard to let go and just take things in stride when there is so much turmoil all around us, and it's hard to feel calm when things like what happened last week with Mary happen, I am sure. But one thing I am convinced of is that parents and caregivers of those who are ill have a higher incidence of health related problems themselves, and that is surely because we worry ourselves down to nibs. It's really easy to say to another person to stop worrying and let things go, but it's a lot harder to actually do it. I feel what you are going through, as I am going through it too (to a lesser degree, of course). I am praying for ease and strength for you and hoping that situations begin to calm down over there. You are an amazing person, and deserve to live a life of happiness. It will come.
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