What a bad day!

We had such a rotten day yesterday. Things started out alright and somewhere went downhill. I am trying to get back on track with taking Mary to the YMCA. After a couple of weeks of being lazy and doing nothing, Mary did not want to go. Christine came with us, so Mary didn't put up a fight, and enjoyed her time there as usual.

Then we get home, I notice Mary has changed her shirt. I didn't have to ask, I knew what happened, but I insisted she bring me the shirt. Yes, she tore a hole in it. I was so upset, she had been doing so well. She still pulls the threads on existing ripped shirts, but she has not torn anything in a while. I got upset, threw the shirt in the trash, after I tore it up some more.

Had a couple of errands to run with Christine, so Mary had to come with us. I am also trying to not buy her things every where we go, especially after she rips something. So, Mary was way off today, I heard all kinds of things. "I should get a new, nicer mom, I'm leaving this house, you need therapy, or you should go see an orthodontist". I know, where did that one come from?. Every store we went to she just got angrier and angrier. Finally, she blew in Staples. This is when she shoots herself down, by saying negative things about her self. We got a chuckle out of the "I'm interprintable" comment. What is that, you ask? Well, it means she can't be printed. We were in Staples. Then the comment that got my brain all scrambled and not functioning properly, "I want to die". I know she really doesn't mean this, nor does she understand the full impact of what she is saying. I am not good with knowing the right things to say on the spot. I need time to process, of course I told her it was a terrible thing to say, etc.

On the way out of the store Mary hauls off and smacks my bottom! Already flustered, I turn around and grab her arm and pinch her. I think if there was a cop close by, I would have been arrested right there in the parking lot by the way she reacted to it. In the car came the tears and the clenched fists hitting her legs, and of course the apologies, I'm sorry Mom, I love you..... Of course I feel just horrible. I know I should not react the way I do sometimes, but it is so hard not to. I probably do need a good therapist, or maybe I'll go see an orthodontist.