Writer's block?

Either I am suffering from writer's block, or I have finally come to terms with Mary, being Mary. Sure, things still happen around here that make me go hmmm, but I guess they just don't eat at me anymore. Every time something comes up and I think about blogging about it, I say, " nah, it's not that big a deal". I believe starting this blog has helped me tremendously.

After a while, I felt like I was repeating myself in my posts. They began to sound too whiny. I do not want to become one of those people who complains about things constantly, because Lord knows, I am aware that life could be a lot more difficult. I know how blessed and lucky I am. I guess I needed to get out my feelings so ultimately I was able to kick my self and say, "get over it already"!.

I have even noticed that in my everyday conversations with people, eventually, the subject of Mary comes up. I know, when I get on the subject of Mary, it seems sometimes I can't stop! So there again, I tell myself I need to stop, there is nothing new. I am the only one who cares. I do not, by any means, mean to say the people I talk to do not care, just that they see her as who she is and not what she has, or does. It's high time I start thinking that way. There I go, I know I have mentioned that more than once in my posts.

So what now? Believe me, there are plenty of things I feel are blog worthy. When I think of the money that we pay for therapy and medications to help us get through the difficult times, it amazes me. In the past I have always searched for answers through other people. All along, knowing myself what I need to do. All it took to find this out was starting a blog. Maybe I should start working on the other members of my family and change my blog to Diagnosing Murphy. Now that will be an undertaking!

Play therapy

Well, it seems play therapy was not a good fit for Mary. It was kind of hard for the psychologist to get anything out of her when all she did was nervously chatter for an hour. When Mary feels like she is expected to do, or say something, she gets nervous and she will talk non stop, jumping from one thing to another. I can tell immediately, the difference between nervous chatter and plain old Mary chatter. During the course of her 3-4 sessions, I got to sit in and talk with the Dr. as well. Once again, I was hit with a realization about Mary.

Mary is a happy, healthy little girl who has many quirky personality traits. I know all of them, and I have seen a lot of them change or completely disappear over the years. All without any outside help. It seems that every time she would do something odd, I would tell the doctor, we would talk about medication changes, what could be causing her behaviors, etc. All the while at home, we are constantly talking to her about what is acceptable and what is not.

I realized that I am constantly looking for a fix, or a change. I don't think I meant to, because I will be the first to say I love her just the way she is, and wouldn't want to change her. When in actuality, that is exactly what I was doing. In the last 2 weeks, I have witnessed Mary stop and think about what she is going to say, and realize either how she should articulate it, or if she should even say it at all. This all from a child who supposedly has "mushy" breaks. Meaning, she cannot stop herself from saying or doing things. When the psychologist had her list how she felt about certain things, most of it was love, happy, beautiful, family. When I saw that what she thought of herself was that she was beautiful, I wanted to cry. I know that there are times when she realizes she isn't like everyone else, or her feelings get hurt because somebody said something mean. I also believe that there is more happiness in her and she can quickly overcome the bad feelings. Maybe that is just my hope, but I'll take it.

We just had parent teacher conferences. Mary's teachers are happy with her, her schoolwork and ability to pay attention is fine. They keep their eye on her and gently remind her when she needs to redirect her attentions. With all that she has in her life, I don't think one more therapy can do any more than what those of us that love her can do. Mary has been described by her teacher and even the psychologist as an enigma. There is no rhyme or reason to her, they cannot explain why she does what she does. She cannot be fixed, and I will say it again, I don't want her fixed. I think I just thought I was trying to help her. Mary is happy and loved, why would anyone want to fix or even help those feelings to be any different? Not me, not anymore.

Letting it go

I am grateful for many things in my life. Lately I have been reflecting on all the people in my life, specifically our circle of friends. I know I have mentioned more than once how I stress over how people are going to react to Mary. I came to the conclusion that it's not Mary's behavior I am concerned with. It's mine, or what I think people with think of me. I guess I'm afraid they are going to feel uncomfortable with they way she is behaving or what she is saying, and that I am letting her, well, basically be herself.

We have a wonderful little circle of friends, and everyone loves and accepts Mary. Even my friends children are great with her. So why do I still fee this way? I know it is silly, and I don't think for a minute that any one of my friends feels uncomfortable with her. I have three other children, and there are things Mary will say or do that my other kids would never get away with. If it weren't for that, maybe I wouldn't worry so much. I just wouldn't know any better.

It amazes me how you can go on with a belief or behavior without consciously thinking how ridiculous it is. Then all of a sudden it hits you, and your like, "what the heck is wrong with you"! So now, when I start to head towards Mary to stop her, I will try to stop myself, and just let it go. I feel so blessed and grateful for all the people in our lives, that it will bring me to tears at times. I need to start thinking that maybe they are just as grateful to have us in their lives as well.