Sunday, May 15, 2011

Reflections & Rantings

As I promised in my last post, I still have some whining to do. First, I want to reflect on some things that happened this past week. Last Wednesday, Mary had her annual EEG. As I sat in that dark room once again, with my daughter falling asleep, and the strobe lights flashing, my mind was blank. I sat there thinking, "hey, I'm not thinking anything". So, I started to recall what I was thinking this time last year. I remember posting on this blog, the fact that I had accepted that things will be what they will be, no longer wishing for a different outcome. Acceptance, that Mary will be Mary, abnormal testing and all. This time, it was like sitting and waiting for her to finish a routine dental cleaning. No big deal. Of course, me being me, started to think, "is this a bad thing?". Have I given up, do I just not care anymore? No, I know, I am prone to stinkin thinkin and this is one more thought that needs to be pushed out of my head. I believe this is the beginning of me not seeing Mary as any different than I see my other children. I know I have acknowledged this before, but it is one thing to say it, and a completely other thing to not have it anywhere in the back of your mind.

Now for my whining. I have also spent the last few weeks, not wishing for things to be different with Mary, but just plain pissed off that some things are the way the are. All trivial little things. Like, let's start with, Why does she have to have such bad acne? Isn't it bad enough that she has a difficult time looking at people when she talks. This is something she has always had, even before the acne. I have tried everything short of medication, ( which I will not do at this time). I was hoping once the period came, the pimples would calm down. Don't even get me started on her period! Really, why? What's with the boy craziness, and obsessing over them? I understand the OCD, it's part of her, but really? Can't we obsess over things like needing things to be neat and orderly, or hand washing? Mary used to spend all her time at home in her room, reading, or playing. Now, all she does is go outside and stand in the drive way, waiting for someone to come by and hang out with her. That's fine, but when there is no one there, she talks to herself. I sometimes go outside and stand behind her and just watch and listen. My first reaction is to pull her in the house and say, "stop!" "Do you know how crazy you look"! I would never. When she notices me, I ask her who she's talking to, and she very calmly says, no one, or myself. So clearly, she knows what she's doing which means she's not crazy. I will worry when she starts seeing people who aren't there. Oh, I could go on, but will stop here. For all my whining, I have just as many joys, and breakthroughs to rejoice over. However, this post is about reflecting and ranting. Stay tuned for my next post, hopefully something with rejoicing in it.


Zibilee said...

I know exactly what it's like when you child is just different than everyone else. My daughter and son has some emotional components that are just not typical for children of their age, and at times, it makes me angry and frustrated. When I see them doing these things, and alienating other people around them, I have to step back and realize that I have to let them be themselves, and love them in spite of the fact that the things they are doing are strange and abnormal. Of course, this is not exactly what you are going through, I only say it to maybe let you know that you are not alone, and that I think it's a tremendous stride for you to realize that Mary is the way she is, and accept that. Once again, I have to say, I think you are an amazing mom, and your acceptance of Mary's differences is something that will make a huge difference in her life.

Sandy Nawrot said...

I totally agree with are a wonderful mom. Don't sell yourself short because you shake your fists at the injustices. That is normal, and is actually good that you vent your concerns once in awhile just to stay sane. Mary is a very lucky girl to have a mom like you who is grounded, realistic and has the time and resources to give her what she needs.