Annual EEG

Mary had her annual EEG today to check her seizure activity. Mary has not had a seizure in 8 years, thanks to daily medication! Every year I pray and I hope that the test would show her brain activity is normal. I was informed last year that her abnormal readings were more than just seizure related. Brain waves are slow, just not right. Still, I believe I had hope it would all just go away.

As I sat in the room while she peacefully slept through the test, I realized I had no hope left. The seizures don't scare me anymore. Funny how your way of thinking can change so easily. After her first seizure, I didn't think I could handle another one. Now I would welcome a seizure over the unknown that is going on inside her head. I can see a seizure, this I can't, and nobody can tell us exactly what it is. I sat in the dark and cried, hoping the technician wouldn't notice.

When we were done, I got a grip on my emotions, and started planning the rest of our day together. We get home, have lunch, all is well. Mary disappears for a matter of minutes. When I go into her room, I see she has destroyed 2 shirts. So now I am back to being depressed. I packed up all her clothes and left her the ripped ones and told her I was giving them away. From picking her head to destroying her clothes. What's next??